[1/15/2025] - beonfgnmm

oughhh

i think i've been like reeeally bad. The exact thing that I did last year is happening and I'm not getting better and its fucking awful.
I know im gonna be okay!! its just. man. shit sucks!! constantly! I feel like I cannot be on my own.
I cannot take care of myself, i feel like i can't enjoy anything on my own.
I know so many people and yet i feel like i have almost 0 human connection.

enough vent shit (there will be more vent shit almost certainly). I watched sonic movie 3 twice!!
I think ultimatley the movie is just fine.
I like it because shadow and sonic inherently give me dopamine, but people saying that its genuinely amazing are like.
okay buddy. watch any other media please. I will say the climax of the movie made me probably the most excited I've ever been.

and then also in the car ride home everyone was talking about my little special interest and it was awesome and i felt important.... autism redeemed..
idk i think i very frequently hate that i'm into relatively childish things and feel dumb for caring so much about things that don't really matter.
It felt like they did matter then and i've just. never really felt that before.

also Made a new friend!! One of those people where you just vibe instantly and hit it off, really really like them.
It's like. maybe concerning that the people i can talk with easily are either diagnosed with DID, schizophrenia, or literally clinically insane, but. idk.

bad and horrible things just kept happening back to back (dad's cancer came back (he's fine!!), girlfriend went to prison, childhood dog died),
and i think that broke me just a little for a bit. Had a lot of reallly bad manic episodes and self harmed a bit. womp womp!!

I'm realizing that I really need to change. a lot of things i hate about myself are entirely my fault, but god.
sometimes i feel like i can't.
Realizing i said enough vent shit earlier..... whoopsies!!

I also played a buncha the sonic games!! I REALLY like sonic CD. Easily the most fascinating Sonic game i think.
Me and a friend were talking and i think it'd be really interesting if the time travel mechanic was much more active in the game.
Either, 1) Act 1 is the Present and Act 2 is the past, and then Act 3 would change between good or bad future depending on your actions.
OR!!! 2) theres this one part in subspace emissary in smash bros brawl where you go through doors to change the season of the level.

I think it'd be really cool if in order to progress through the level you would be forced to go between past present and future.
Lets say in the future the past is blocked by a buncha rubble. To progress you'd have to switch the past. I think it'd be neat!!
If any sonic game could get a full reimagining it would absolutley be CD. NEED to play Chaotix because at the very least vibe-wise, it feels like a direct sequel.

okay uhhhh theres probably a lot else that's happened but i can't think of anything else i wanna talk about.
daily affirmations: I WILL improve myself!! I WILL form emotional connections!!

alright seeya
love jamers