[1/28/2025] - life and shit i think

rnew friend i met (i mentioned them last time) is AWESOME !! their name is holly i like them a lot :]

Maybe i just don't meet many people, but idk. it feels really nice to meet someone and youre both just instantly really good friends.
Like you see or talk to them and just inherently get happy. we watched board james.

I feel a little lost. I fucked up again and have no classes this term. i kept telling myself id fill everything out later. now here i am.
I'm just. aimless. No career goals, no personal goals outside of pipe dreams, no real relationship goals.
And the worst part of all is im somewhat content. My parents are paying for my apartment, I have just enough relationships with people happening,
i never fuck up enough to face real consequences, but just enough to always feel like shit. I dunno. Maybe thats a doomer mindset.
That I'll never meaningfully change my behavior.

I just feel like youre supposed to have some idea of what you want to do. I don't care about any job.
the only thing im passionate about is hanging out and caring about people. That shit doesnt pay the bills unfortunatley.
Because of that i feel so horribly alone if im not with someone actively. i feel like a little freak holed up in my room.
the only time i don't feel like a freak is when someone else is actively paying attention to me, making me feel wanted.
I have no like. permanence for that. I know so many people care about me. But sometimes it just doesn't matter. i can't feel it.

I've been having a hard time deciphering what 'me' is. Maybe i just hate myself.
For some time i kinda disowned who i was from probably middle school-1st year of college. but, man. all of that is me.

i dont know.
I put a little picture of myself when i was ~5 on my desktop and sometimes just look at it. thats me!
i remember what it was like to be him. I remember it with a little bit of rose tinted glasses, but still.
I dont think of the bad things being *that bad,* when in reality, it was probably the end of the world at the time.
I think he was also lost. at least a little bit. and thats okay i think. thats life.




I want to make him happy.


maybe that's corny and cringe as hell but i dont know if i really care.

im gonna go to the library and draw. maybe watch a movie for once.
love, james