[05/11/2025] - a big one....

NEW FORMAT!!! woaw... im making the concious choice in this one to insert a buncha of emoticons for fun :D

dude i've GOTTA go on more walks and just get outside more often, I thought about so much stuff.
I wrote this sentence upon opening the notepad and have promptly forgot about most things i thought about. STILL,
I should go on more walks. Scientifically puts me in a better mood. Also makes me feel like I actually do things.
Been stuck at my brother's house petsitting, hasn't been too bad though. I have been spending a LOT of money on gas though,
cause I still need to go to school. After this I have 1 (one) day I'm free and then need to pet sit for my parents. blarggh. D:

Estrogen appointment + Hair appointment on the same day pretty soon!! God I hope I don't react poorly to my hair again.
Last time it was a little too dark and i just fucking hated myself. I think most of my identity in my mind is tied to my hair
so when it wasn't quite what i wanted my brain kinda freaked it.. Pretty sure I'm a bit more emotionally stable now?? probably.

It looks like Aurora's gonna be out of prison next week and. idk, man. shits kinda scary!! I've been putting off talking to her
about so much shit out of fear, and she'd been in prison more than 2x the amount of time I've known her. I'm kind of dreading it,
and I have genuinely no idea how my brain is going to react to her. I still have no idea what actually happened, outside of charges.
blehhhhh.

About the website!

FINISHED THE HOMEPAGE!! holy SHIT. that took a while and I kinda got obsessed with it for a little while.
I think the only things I wanna add to it are some sound effects & more blinkies. Probably Bombhead when I have a page for him in art.
SPEAKING OF!! IM DOING IT! Its happening!! Most of page 1 is done, but my laptop will not run clip studio paint super well
plus i cannot for the life of me set the pen settings correctly. I must wait... :|

The about me is super rad, really happy with it. Also just need to add some sounds to it then it'l be fully done.
blogs 'n vlogs is done too! Made it to match the guestbook and I fw the aesthetic heavily. 4

Art:
-Projects (Bombhead, Zines, etc.)
-The fridge (art i'd like to showcase)
-The archive (all art)
-favorite art/artists??

Don't know what i want this to look like quite yet. Maybe like computer desktop shortcuts... the picture could be a literal fridge,
bombhead could be a little comic book, archive could be a filing cabinet. something like that. i may be cooking. I just don't really
want it to be a bland list of things.

Writing:
-Serious writings
-organizing my thoughts about things i like
-little anecdotes
-maybe a lot of links to elsewhere on the site? i feel like a lot is going to have at least little writing segments

This one will probably have a pretty straightforward presentation... I typed that but now i'm envisioning it being like a
newspaper and that idea is making my brain happy. like BREAKING NEWS! right at the top would be the most recent thing, and
then different topics being the categories... i might not do this but it seems really easy and i like it :)

Music:
-Music playlists
-Highlights on bands and albums I like
-My music
-my epic parodies
-lyrics i've written??? that sounds really scary and embarrasing though

no fucking clue how im gonna present this. If i do little special things like i am the other ones maybe i make it like itunes
or something idk. the music player is already an ipod. that could be funny

BONUS!:
-Various other content I've made not fitting into other categories, such as certain videos.
-Credits!
-Video playlist on the main page
-awesome pics
-blinkies
-all assets made for the site

this one's just gonna be simple and have the blue checkered background!


[EVIL WARNING!!]
God knows how many times i've talked about this, but i'm so fucking pathetic dude.
That feeling of completley overwhelming lonleiness is so goddamn strong.
What sucks even MORE ass is that i've had like 3 people wanting to make plans with me or outwardly tell me they wanna hangout.
Why do i feel like this !!!!

In this very moment, i feel pretty fine how i am. I literally planned a date midway through typing this. Things ARE fine.
but. jesus it feels so bad sometimes. I bounce between having the most fulfilling hangouts of my life to having 0 meaningful
interaction (many days 0 interaction in general). It seems to fuck with my little brain a lot, and leaves me doing nothing but yearning
for days until the next time there's plans.

Again, getting on estrogen maybe helped with this?? But maybe it's just changed how I deal with things.
I think instead of repressing things to eventually have a super turbo blast where i curl up into a ball on the floor
cause i can't take it anymore and my brain is the most overwhelmed its ever been, I instead just have frequently outbursts.
Been crying a LOT more. Been feeling like a failure due to school which is a fear I kinda forgot about for a little bit.
I think i prefer it? idk. some evil part of me also liked the big blast cuase then i'd feel manic, but
I probably should try to feed that part of me as little as possible. probably. Could be fun to just be stuck in psychosis.

[CONCERNING THOUGHTS WARNING !!!]
uhhhhhmm what else....
Tying into that i guess when i AM manic, I think i've been thinking about violence way more. having the urge to cut myself (this has very rarely manifested into any actual action, i do not do this regularly at all),
or something fairly new, hurting other people. I think i have cannabalistic urges which would never actually manifest into
anything, and its less so about consuming someone and more so that that would be the most satisfying and intimate way to
kill someone in my mind. I think im into gore, not really in a sexual way, but more in way that it just intrigues my brain.
Its not really a problematic thing, but its still a very taboo thing (i typed this as tabuu initially because of super
smash bros. brawl). idk. it makes me uncomfortable in a way that really intrigues me? very unfamilar feeling that i like.

Wowwee!!! I feel crazy typing that. Not deleting it im deciding. I like typing and writing these things.
It feels very matter of factly, where as opposed to when/if i talk to people about this stuff, I have to preface things,
or actively attempt to judge how a person will react upon hearing something. now i get to hide behind a little screen c:



OKAY!!! free from the evil.. i don't think I have a crazy ton more to talk about? Got a new camera!! same one, just. it works now.
i have to open it up to switch modes, but it DOES work so i think i'll keep it. Those cameras likely just get a bit shit w/ age.

I'm gonna beat shadow of the colossus super soon, mostly just depends when i can play it with holly cause i wanna beat it with her
(also im sure she would want to see me do so). dunno if i'll have time this thursday, but maybe next sunday if not? we'll see.....

My brother has a PS5 also so i've been playing a ton of Astro Bot!! AWESOME game. it makes me happy. My save data got erased
cause i wasn't signed in though T-T. I 100%ed like 4/5ths of the game.... spent a chunk of today replaying, and will probably beat it today or tomorrow. Might make a writing
about it! idk! On my second playthrough i got the Wander costume though and it made me happy :]

Theres a buncha little other things that've happened but dunno if its really worth, or important to mention.
i think this is it....
bye bye!! love you!!! thanks for reading!!!! ^^
-jamers!