[05/25/2025] - evil and bad!
This past week three of the people closest to me have told me just how much I mean to them.
I love all of them dearly and these conversations are incredibly important to me.
But now I'm sitting here and my brain simply rejects it. How could any of that possibly be true?
Why would someone love me. I don't get it.
I don't think I really do anything wrong persay, but I just. am. Not much else. I don't feel like anything.
I hate so much about my self so vehemently. I don't really think I deserve love, so why do I have it.
I don't know.
I know what they're saying is true. I know it for an absolute fact, but I simply cannot believe it.
Anyone who's ever said they liked me is lying for my sake. They know *I* care about them, so they have to lie to appease me.
This is completely illogical, but no matter how faulty my reasoning is doesn't matter to my mind.
I know how fucking stupid this is too! I've had many friends tell me this exact same experience!
Friends I care about to such an indescribale degree questioning what's there to love about them.
I can always come up with answers whenever they ask. I could never ask someone that though. I could never be vulnerable like that.
No, I must wallow in self pity instead and keep everything to myself.
something about me is so deeply fundamentally flawed and inhuman. I want something terrible to happen to me really, really badly.
I haven't in a while, but I used to go out at walks late at night hoping something would. It doesn't really matter what in specific.
I'm not even fully sure why the idea appeals to me so much.
I don't view myself something that's supposed to have love so maybe I want as much pain as possible inflicted onto me. something like that.
that's stupid.
-james
stupid and childish that this text is hidden but I cut myself for the first time in months after writing this.
it makes me feel such a strong and indescribable emotion.
complete dissociation and detachment from reality while simultaneously being so alert and aware of everything.
I'm so scared of what I'm going to do to myself. last year there was a moment where I had full intent and plan to kill myself.
do you know how terrifying that is? Living is so fucking hard sometimes but I want to. I want to really badly.
Pain has such a strong draw and it's so easy to give in. My one saving grace is that I'm still too scared to cut deep.
I can hardly cut anywhere below my forearm. attempting my upper arm is strangely far more frightening and causes me to sob uncontrollably whenever I try.
I still did today. I'm sorry if you're reading this I guess. I doubt anyone will. I just. felt like I needed to type it.
I love you. I say that in all of these blogs but thank you for reading.