[07/08/2025] - kinda just whatever
I dunno. I feel like I should feel. better. everything is good. Maybe I've said pretty much this ad nauseam,
but i feel like this constantly. once theres a new status quo, its boring, i guess. Rotting away day after day
like I did last year was terrible but something about it was comforting. every day was the same- maybe i had a huge
spike of dopamine once or every other week when i finally saw someone. I don't understand why I can't just be happy.
I'm doing things every single day. I'm working at least a little bit on hobby work. I'm hanging out with people
usually twice a week - and the only reason i'm not doing more is because work. my work isn't the most exciting
thing ever, its just a little boring. thats incredible. do you know how many people would kill for 'just' a boring
job? The other half of my brain always shuts it up, but sometimes i feel the tiniest tinge that even intimacy is a
little boring . the main thing i'm constantly yearning for when im without it, and some part of my feeble brain is
numbed by it (mostly relating to affection - sex is still rad i guess lol)
Maybe it's just today and im exagerating. These usually aren't incredibly pressing thoughts, just passing, but.
I'm scared i don't have the ability to be consistently happy. bleh.
Anyway. been thinking sometimes about someone i knew in freshman year highschool. Her name was tuesday - we had a
clay & animation class plus chemistry together. i think this is a bpd thing, but i would always like hyperfocus if
she was gonna be in class the next day (not particularly frequent. she might have had something going on, i have no
idea. more than likely i'd say). i think i just really liked talking to her (a girl who likes videogames...? woaw... :O).
One thing in particular i remember was when I showed her that Joker was revealed for smash bros. I still have yet to
see someone so excited lol, she was crazy into persona. After that year i just never saw her again. The closest thing
to her contact information I had was a 3DS friend code..... did not help unfortunately (we're still friends though!).
At somepoint I saw her in a convention, but gahhh my brain was evil and terrible back then. If i saw someone i knew in
public, unless we were crazy good friends i would avoid them at all costs. i had turbo evil terrible anxeity.
never talked to her again, and i haven't got a clue how i would now. kinda sad. :(
finalyy finally finally got a crt tv. i had to befriend an old lady and travel with a friend to a retirement community
so i could get it. it is 100+ pounds. 32". too large, but bu god i was in too deep. have yet to been able to use it
cause i've been away from home, but i wanna play ps2 on it.... also might paint it like tenna cause thats kinda fun
and would be incredibly easy to do. perhaps a little tacky :P. i think i do wanna paint it regardless.
maybe put a tonna stickers on it? idk
Played my first tabletop game in actual years w/ holly and her friends, hell yeah. one of em was someone i've matched
on like every dating site but never met up with which is a little silly. they were cool!! my character,
the knight of darkness (who was clad in gold and scared of the dark XP). the game was mythic bastionland...
i really like how everything is set up. didn't play like. incredibly far, but it was ~4 hours. Ill probably play again,
just with a different character. maybe? or maybe i will return to the knight of darkness....
my bad for being depressing again. unless something really really big or exciting happens its just the easiest
thing to write about. i think thats it..
bye bye!!!!
love james