[3/24/2024]
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don't really know how to start. 
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Here i sit, knees to chest typing away on my keyboard. I feel kinda at a loss. I've been happy! <br>
right now its spring break and I've been hanging out a bunch with my best friend since i'm home for the week. (They live at my parent's house night now) <br>
yesterday all my high school friends came together for the first time in like. 3 months. fuck thats a longtime now that i think about it. but it was really fun!<br>
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Whenever i have the time to myself though, this time to unwind i just feel fucking empty. i dont feel like a person when im alone a lot of the time.<br>
I think some of it is this godforsaken apartment. I hole myself up, maybe getting out once or twice a week. I feel like im rotting away when i'm here. I dont feel like I'm living. <br>
I feel like I have little to no sense of self, but i know i do! My brain just keeps telling me i'm nothing. i do a lot of stuff. i am very much so my own person. <br>
I definetley am heavily influenced by people around me, probably more then other people. very imprintable. <br>
but i just. When someone asks me whats special about me i just feel like im at a loss. and any answer i give doesn't quite sound right. I feel like i live for other people but.<br>
i dont feel like anyone's ever lived for me. and maybe people do and i just dont see it but. fuck. i dont know, dude. lots of stuff has been happening in my life.<br>
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I've been wanting to hurt myself more often. I dont want to. i really fucking dont want to, and haven't (at least in a way that leaves scars) before but the urge gets real strong sometimes.<br>
I say I've never quite hurt myself but frequently i starve myself, I constantly purposely think of painful thoughts, just to feel something i guess? i dont know.
I've been on the verge of a panic attack, holding a knife to my wrist, just looking at it, with shaky hands. not good!<br>
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recently i've started up more hobbies though, this website in particular has been a huge time sink, but also a really fulfilling one? It feels really good seeing this shitty little thing take form.<br>
also! been drawing again, and fuck yeah!!! At the start of this year i set a goal to make just one chapter/issue of bombhead and i really think i can do it. whenever i zone out he is in my mind. This jazzy drum beat echoes in my head like jumanji. I probably sound fucking insane?<br>
also!! kind of been learning guitar! getting further then i ever have before at the very least. <br>
something i wanna do at somepoint is little vlogs. I've stumbled across some people on youtube just showcasing shit with an old camcorder and i think that'd just be neat.<br>
Don't have a camcorder- HOWEVER i do! have a 3ds. Haven't really felt the urge to use it though- besides a couple times it wasn't on me. <br>
Downside is thought, the only times I want to use it is when I feel terrible so. womp womp.  I'll probably record and post one at somepoint. <br>
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I think i like the idea of this beeing seen? all my little thoughts and sometimes secrets spewing out onto a little txt document. Like peering into my brain and seeing whats in there.<br>
Someone out there cataloging all this relatively private info about little ol' me somewhere into their brain. me being remembered. I think i like been seen in general. <br> 
acknowledged. I don't really have a grasp of how much people like me outside of my friends, and even then i don't really know if they like me like i like them. i dont know. <br>
I feel like a broken person sometimes. Like something wrong happened when i popped out. My brain feels alien. I don't know how to navigate through life. and it really feels like i should. <br>
it feels like everyone else does. <br>
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This is a bunch of rambling- next entry will probably be a LOT more organized, thoughts wise, since im not establishing pretty much. everything i've thought about for the past several months.
seeya, love you <3<br>
-jamers